A Little Bit of Everything

I will give you the world if I had the power to do so, but that in itself is impossible.

I want you to have everything you could possibly need, but not so much the materialistic things. Life is so much more than money and royalties. I want you to follow your dreams keeping them in realistic means.

I want you to know who you are and where you came from. Stay true to yourself. Do not try to be someone you are not or something someone else makes you out to be.

Learn to trust in yourself and to trust your instincts and follow your heart. Do not let anyone or anything stand in the way of getting what you want. On that note, I ask that you have respect, be honest and sincere. Have compassion for others and always treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.

Please understand everyone is different. Live each day to it's fullest extent and know everything happens for a reason, even though you may not know that reason yet.

Know that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. And yes, it is OK to cry! Even the strongest person have their weak points in life.

You are truly a beautiful person, inside and out, don't ever let anyone tell you any different. Be strong and proud and believe in yourself and never give up. Life itself is a lesson...the more you live...the more you learn about yourself and life's ways. As long as you believe in yourself you will always succeed in what you do.

I will always be here for you, weather near or far. I know I won't always be there to catch you when you fall, but know you will always have a friend in me who loves you unconditionally!

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Anyway, it has be a crazy crazy day! My hormones are all off whack! Happy, sad, mad, peaceful, angry, tired just down right moody! Bless Jesse's heart! He has to deal with all of this! I find it hard to deal with myself sometimes, so I can only imagine how other's feel right now! LOL! I want to apology in advance for the words that may or may not fly out of my mouth! If I offend you, I am deeply sorry! Just please put yourself in my shoes for one minute! Want something so badly you dream about it and at the same time realize you have absolutely NO CONTROL! Everyone who knows me knows I say what is on my mind (not always a good thing!) and they also know I have SLIGHT control issues! (hey at least I admit it!) They also know how badly Jesse and I want a baby and are very good to comfort us (mainly me) when we get down.

To my momma: I love you and would never change a thing about our sometimes dysfunctional relationship. You are amazing and will always be who I turn to when things go completely insane! And they do on a fairly regular basis! If it were not for you setting me straight on occasion and at all hours of the night and day I would probably be in the looney bin! LOL! I think we very much keep each other on track! If I need to vent, call Mom. If I need to cry, call Mom. If I need to be spoiled, call Mom. If I need to be told I'm a selfish brat, again call MOM! What would I ever do without you? I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To my dad and Jill: Thank you for supporting me in all that I do. Good or bad I know you are there to guide me and give me advice, weather I like it or not, I know I need to listen! DAD'S ALWAYS RIGHT! (yes I said it and it is in black and white!) I love you guys so much!

To my Granny: Amazing, supportive, always there! I wouldn't change a thing and I am so glad you are finally closer and that I am able to talk to you about the things I am able to talk to you about. Not everyone can talk to their Granny like I can you! I love you soooo very much!

To everyone else, Glenda, Marcus, Amy, Paige, Cristy and anyone else I am forgetting, thank you for listening to me bitch! I know sometimes you just want to say shut up! And I do not blame you one bit! Thank you for just being there!

There is a special place in heaven for you! You are all angels on earth!

P.S. I am so blessed to be loved by so many people! And I never knew I could be so in love with a person! Jesse, you are my rock! Thank you for being you and standing by me through this difficult time! You are amazing and I fall in love with you more each and everyday for a new reason!

the beginning

let's start from the beginning. may 13, 2006. that was the day two became one and i married my high school sweetheart! as soon as we got married, we knew we wanted to have children. little did we know that there would be a long journey to get there.
at the end of 2006, i was diagnosed with PCOS. i was young and had no idea what all this involved. all i knew is i didn't have periods and i never got pregnant.
the first question everyone asks when you get married is "when are you going to have a baby?" i find that a very personal question. not everyone realizes that for some it isn't as easy as it sounds. what if we didn't want kids? what if you can't have kids? what if it's hard to get there? it is really none of any one's business when or if you are going to have children after you get married. anyway, it was hard to answer when i was asked everyday! i finally came up with the answer that i still use to this day. "when it's meant to be it will happen!"
getting married so young has many ups and downs. but i fully believe this journey to have a family of our own has brought us closer and made us stronger. i always felt like i was all alone in this until i opened up. our friends with children didn't understand so i finally quit talking about it with them. but in opening up, i found a whole new group of friends that know what i am going through and how difficult this is. two ladies in particular have been there for me and i will be there for them no matter what.
so this brings us to today. we started our third round of fertility meds Tuesday, may 4, 2010. last month was the first time they did what they were supposed to and i ovulated! then AF came for a visit for the first time on her own in five years! it was bittersweet...as badly as i wanted to be pregnant, i knew that my body still knows how to function on its own. it has been crazy these past few months. (we started all of this religiously in January.) Dr. says we can do the meds on this level for 4 cycles. hopefully it wont take that long!!! all i can do is leave it in the hands of God now. He knows what is best for me and when.
in going through all of this, it is really hard for me to hear of people "accidentally" getting pregnant. there are many SIMPLE steps to take to prevent this. if only it was as easy to not prevent it! it has been really hard to get excited for some people knowing they weren't ready when it happened. this only makes me realize that when our time comes, our baby will be very much planned, wanted and loved that much more! there will be no mistake about this! i am not a planning type of person so this has taught me tons of patience! its all about planning and waiting...and waiting...and more waiting...
i have a good feeling about this cycle and i don't know what the feeling means, but we will find out soon enough! in the mean time i will continue to hold my head up high and feel like a pin cushion! oh the joys of the wonderful journey of infertility! in a way it has truly been a blessing allowing me to spend the first four years as a married woman with my husband. teaching us patience, love, heartache, and most of all strengthening our relationship. Jesse is very supportive and has sat up with me many nights when I'm in pain or just needing someone there.
between Jesse, my friends (a, b, and m, you know who you are), i have the best anyone could ask for. thank you is not enough! and i love you all very much!
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