our lives as we know it have forever changed

where to begin...it has been a crazy busy week and a half. the 19 was my birthday, the 20 my baby sister graduated 8th grade, graduation party at my dad's on the 22, helped ashley with baby shower favors the evening of the 22, and then we come to the evening of the 25...let me tell you it was a life changing day to say the least.
i was watching the finale of the biggest loser, jesse was on the computer...i decided it was shower time and called him from the bathroom to let him know i was jumping in the shower. so i decided to take a pregnancy test just because. as i was on the phone with him, the test popped up...PREGNANT! to say i flipped out is a HUGE understatement! since he was on the phone with me, i told him to come quick. we met in the dining room. it felt like i had to go a mile! i handed him the test and we both held each other and cried and cried and cried. we never thought this day would come! and finally it had. i don't know what i had expected the feeling to be when i found out, and i wouldn't change the way it happened one bit!



who to tell? who to call? we were both shaking so bad neither one of us could snap a picture quick enough. after gathering ourselves, i called my mom to see if she was home. she was leaving wal-mart so we had to be patient for 5 very long minutes! we met her at home as she was pulling in her drive way. we went inside after unloading all of her loot and i pulled her aside and showed her the test. the look on her face is one i will never forget. we both cried and held each other. it's an amazing feeling to tell your parents that you too will be a parent.
then came my dad, jill, the in-laws, and grandparents. but the biggest thing of all was to wait til sunday the 30 to tell the rest of my family. we had a get together today and i was finally able to tell the family.
i called the doctor the day after we found out and he scheduled an appointment for the afternoon of june 9. i then called the doctor back again to see if he would do blood work. his reaction was too funny! he said is 3 positive pregnancy tests not proof enough? i could have died laughing! but, he said, i'll do whatever it is that you want! gotta love him!
yes i took 3. i couldn't fathom that this was all real. i thought the first one was broken. the second one...well i don't have a real reason i took 3 but i did. and then friday the 28 i went with my best friend to get yet another test. i had to see lines this time. not a digital pregnant on the stick. and yes it popped up as soon as the pee hit the spot!
the best part of the whole thing is, i found a day-by-day development calendar on the internet and it said that based on my due date and my cycle, the most likely day for conception was may 13. may 13 was our 4 year anniversary. this baby is meant to be. it gave and still gives me goosebumps when i think about it. so i have goosebumps all of the time!
as for those people that say symptoms don't start til later on. i will be the first to tell you they start as soon as conception. my boobs are killing me. and as if i need any help up top, they are already growing. i am not the crying type, and i cry over the silliest things. i go from constipated to emergency dashes to the bathroom. and just the slightest bit of nausea. and i can smell things i never could before.
maybe it is because i am so in tune with my body right now. i don't know but this is the scariest, happiest, most surreal time of my life. i have never been closer to jesse. i have never been closer to my family. so many changes going on and this is just the beginning.
in the next few months there will be many trying times as we pick out names, furniture, decor and go from the happily married couple of 2 to the very blessed family of 3. one of the funniest things jesse has said to me over the past week is, you realize that come february, you won't be on lyndsey time anymore, right? you won't be able to get up at 6:45 to be at work at 7. haha! yes i realize but what better reason to give up my laid back "get there when i'm ready time" than a much wanted and much planned for baby!
to jesse, our lives are just beginning now. soon we will go from the young married couple, to the happy family of 3 that we have always dreamed and talked about. all of our hardships and trials have finally paid off. all the ups and downs have been well worth it. i could not and would not want to go through this with anyone else but you by my side. you are my rock! and i would do anything for you, just as i know you would me. thank you for putting up with me and allowing me the chance to call myself mommy. you will be the best daddy a child could ask for. it has been a long 4 years and i am so ready for another 80 with you by my side. you are amazing and i love you with all of my heart!

spring cleaning...

over the past few months i have really come to realize that i need to weed out some of the bad things in my life. maybe it is because i have opened my eyes and realized what is best for myself and my future. i have had a lot of negative energy around me and i don't want that nor do i need that. so the only thing i can do is fix it. i will only tell what i want to tell to who i want to know and that will solve that. as for other things, i will have to do some soul searching. i do not want negative energy around. it makes me grouchy, angry, upset, stressed. none of which are good for me.
ok now that i have gone on about that, yesterday was my birthday! i still get excited about it! i had an amazing day. and i even worked. but since i am old now, or so my brother tells me, i went to bed at 7 o'clock! i was exhausted!
saturday i am going to a good friend of mine to help with her baby shower preparations. it will be loads of fun! she deserves this so much! i am so overflowing with excitement for the two of them! that is going to be one spoiled and very loved baby!
so tonight is my little sister's 8th grade graduation. it seems like just yesterday that she was born! and now she is going to be in high school! wow! that means i AM getting old! but with age comes memories and experiences! and without those i wouldn't be who i am so getting old is not so bad after all.
wow this has really been all over today! sorry. that's how my mind is nowadays! got a lot going on and needed to "vent" i suppose! i feel better now!

"life is 10% of what happens and 90% how i react to it..."
~John Maxwell

love to all who take time to read my hoopla!
lyndsey

enjoy the ride

so this cycle jesse and i have been sitting back and "enjoying the ride". we haven't gotten all worked up. just been pretty laid back. i didn't think i was going to ovulate but i took ovulation tests 4 days in a row and the third one i took was my peak! yay me! other than that it has been pretty easy going. no blood work this month. so as we are trying and praying, we really aren't trying all that hard. as hard as that is, there is nothing more we can do really. it is in the hands of the good Lord above.
saturday night, jesse and i went to vincennes and ate fazoli's and then i had to have dariy queen! since ours here in town is no more it was a nice treat. this is the second time in two weeks i have made the journey to vincennes to have DQ! i will be so happy when ours is back up and running. so in the mean time vincennes it will be. we had a very nice date night. it was looooong over due and nice to get out of the house and out of town for a bit.
i have had a rush of emotions lately. moodiness as usual! lol! i have had a lot of resentment towards people that get pregnant "on accident" that are in no way shape or form ready for a baby. and here we sit delicately planning EVERY detail and are still waiting. talking to God has helped a lot. it has allowed me to let go of those bad feelings and become at peace with the situation. i know every baby is a gift from God and that there is a reason for everything, even if i do not know the reason right now.
thursday was our 4 year wedding anniversary. crazy that it has been that long. seems just like yesterday. and this coming wednesday is my 24th birthday. and i still get excited about my birthday! like a kid!
i am really thinking of going on vacation this summer. don't know where we would go but i have vacation time and jesse will soon so we need to go somewhere. hopefully somewhere with a beach!
sooo until then, we will hang out all mellow and continue to fall more and more in love with each other everyday! i sware i find a new reason to love him all the time. even the little things he does. i love jesse and i know he loves me too! just the simple ways he holds my hand or puts his arm around me.
life is too short to be all worked up all of the time. i love my life and all the people that are apart of it. thank you for reading!
lyndsey

I Would Die For That

this explains everything. especially the last part of the song. this is my story and so many other women's story who are patiently waiting for our time.

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today i got a phone call from my dad telling me one of my union brothers had passed away in an atv accident over the weekend. he was 26. there has been a lot of dealing with death here lately and it got me thinking about life. let me be honest, i am scared to death to die, but i realize that it could happen anytime. i realize when my number is up there is no trading numbers and it is my time. that doesn't make it any easier. working in the profession i work in i also realize death is just a part of life. they tell you first thing in training to not get attached. however, if you don't get attached you do not have a heart and are completely unable to do you job. i love what i do but lately it is really getting to me. i need a change. death is so much more difficult to deal with for me since going down this road of infertility.
i do not know why it is harder for me considering i have been doing this for 5 years now but in the past week we have lost 3 residents and there has been personal losses as well. i realize that we are there to keep them comfortable in their last days, weeks, or even years of life but it has hit home. been very very emotional lately i guess.
yesterday being mother's day, i had to work in the morning, then came home and cleaned house then off to my mom's. i was so upset when i left work over everything i lost it when i got home. i want to be a better person, i want to be a better wife, friend, daughter, granddaughter and worker. so i make this declaration today to be that better person. i will have more patience, i will love better, listen more, just be better.
i got a message from my aunt yesterday and it said "I just wanted to tell you Happy Mother's Day! Because I know when it happens for you, you will be the best mother ever! Your child will be so lucky I've seen how great you two have been with my son and I know you'll be overflowing with love for your own. God answers prayers in his own time so keep the faith. Just know I am thinking about you today and I love you to pieces! Hope you have a great day!" it was completely random and unexpected! i got it as soon as i woke up for work and it made me cry. heck, someone sneezing makes me cry but this really hit me hard in the heart. everyday i realize how much i am loved and supported. so what all the tears are from is beyond me.
yesterday being mother's day was bittersweet. we are now in the middle of round 3 of treatment and all we can do is wait...and wait...and wait. if it doesn't happen this cycle, we will do it again and again and again until we reach our goal. it will happen in time and as we wait we will continue to grow together.
i have also been thinking about walking in the afternoons after i get off work. it is such a great stress reliever and makes me in a better mood. i am not going to take my bad moods out on anyone anymore. as long as i get the help i need and the support i know i have everything will be just fine and no one can bring me down.
this has been nothing but a rambling on but it sure does feel good to get it off my chest. i love each and everyone of you! thank you for not telling me to shut up and get off my soap box! sometimes we all need to get on the soap box and ramble.

lyndsey

Fabulous Friday...

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings in my life. Help me remember them as we face the challenges of infertility. I pray that we can surrender ourselves into your hands. Let us accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where we can. Strengthen our bodies, minds, and spirits to endure the trials of infertility. Keep us ever mindful of others and grant us your peace.
Amen

So today was a rather busy day! Decided I was starving for a burger from Wendy's and have been dying for a DQ Blizzard! Vincennes here we come! Got in the car and off we went. It really hit the spot and was perfect. You really do not know how much you miss something until you are unable to have it! We didn't eat at DQ here in town much but let me tell you when a hormonal woman is ready for ice cream, get out of the way or give her ice cream! So ice cream I got! Ahhh! Gotta love it!

When we got back to town, it was about time for Jesse to be off work. After a short much needed nap, I had a visitor! Was very happy to see Jesse's cousin who is in the service had come by to say hello while he was in town!

When Jesse got off work, we did our running around, bill paying and stopped by and got flowers for mine and his mom for Mother's Day. Delivered them and then home again to watch the brief storm. I LOVE THUNDERSTORMS! They are so relaxing! Really allows me to open up and think.

In talking to Jesse's mom, I got me some tid-bits of information (gossip) that really cracked me up and made my day. I know it's not good to gossip, but all I was doing was listening to Jesse and her talk.

I let Jesse read my blogs and made him cry for the third time in the past few weeks. He is not the crying type at all, but I think this has given us both a little dose of reality. Somethings you want so badly but cannot obtain them yourself. Others are placed on you front step without warning and you are expected to just deal. Some may be good some maybe not so good. All in all, you have to take the good with the bad and happy with the sad. Life would be too boring if it were a straight and narrow path! Got to have those ups and downs for scenery!

Oh and this wretched headache! It has gone on now for three days. Partly due to the meds, and this wonderful weather. NOTHING IS HELPING! Just this glorious constant pounding! YAY! Again, the good with the bad! It will all be worth it in the end!

Love to all!
Lyndsey

A Little Bit of Everything

I will give you the world if I had the power to do so, but that in itself is impossible.

I want you to have everything you could possibly need, but not so much the materialistic things. Life is so much more than money and royalties. I want you to follow your dreams keeping them in realistic means.

I want you to know who you are and where you came from. Stay true to yourself. Do not try to be someone you are not or something someone else makes you out to be.

Learn to trust in yourself and to trust your instincts and follow your heart. Do not let anyone or anything stand in the way of getting what you want. On that note, I ask that you have respect, be honest and sincere. Have compassion for others and always treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.

Please understand everyone is different. Live each day to it's fullest extent and know everything happens for a reason, even though you may not know that reason yet.

Know that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. And yes, it is OK to cry! Even the strongest person have their weak points in life.

You are truly a beautiful person, inside and out, don't ever let anyone tell you any different. Be strong and proud and believe in yourself and never give up. Life itself is a lesson...the more you live...the more you learn about yourself and life's ways. As long as you believe in yourself you will always succeed in what you do.

I will always be here for you, weather near or far. I know I won't always be there to catch you when you fall, but know you will always have a friend in me who loves you unconditionally!

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Anyway, it has be a crazy crazy day! My hormones are all off whack! Happy, sad, mad, peaceful, angry, tired just down right moody! Bless Jesse's heart! He has to deal with all of this! I find it hard to deal with myself sometimes, so I can only imagine how other's feel right now! LOL! I want to apology in advance for the words that may or may not fly out of my mouth! If I offend you, I am deeply sorry! Just please put yourself in my shoes for one minute! Want something so badly you dream about it and at the same time realize you have absolutely NO CONTROL! Everyone who knows me knows I say what is on my mind (not always a good thing!) and they also know I have SLIGHT control issues! (hey at least I admit it!) They also know how badly Jesse and I want a baby and are very good to comfort us (mainly me) when we get down.

To my momma: I love you and would never change a thing about our sometimes dysfunctional relationship. You are amazing and will always be who I turn to when things go completely insane! And they do on a fairly regular basis! If it were not for you setting me straight on occasion and at all hours of the night and day I would probably be in the looney bin! LOL! I think we very much keep each other on track! If I need to vent, call Mom. If I need to cry, call Mom. If I need to be spoiled, call Mom. If I need to be told I'm a selfish brat, again call MOM! What would I ever do without you? I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To my dad and Jill: Thank you for supporting me in all that I do. Good or bad I know you are there to guide me and give me advice, weather I like it or not, I know I need to listen! DAD'S ALWAYS RIGHT! (yes I said it and it is in black and white!) I love you guys so much!

To my Granny: Amazing, supportive, always there! I wouldn't change a thing and I am so glad you are finally closer and that I am able to talk to you about the things I am able to talk to you about. Not everyone can talk to their Granny like I can you! I love you soooo very much!

To everyone else, Glenda, Marcus, Amy, Paige, Cristy and anyone else I am forgetting, thank you for listening to me bitch! I know sometimes you just want to say shut up! And I do not blame you one bit! Thank you for just being there!

There is a special place in heaven for you! You are all angels on earth!

P.S. I am so blessed to be loved by so many people! And I never knew I could be so in love with a person! Jesse, you are my rock! Thank you for being you and standing by me through this difficult time! You are amazing and I fall in love with you more each and everyday for a new reason!

the beginning

let's start from the beginning. may 13, 2006. that was the day two became one and i married my high school sweetheart! as soon as we got married, we knew we wanted to have children. little did we know that there would be a long journey to get there.
at the end of 2006, i was diagnosed with PCOS. i was young and had no idea what all this involved. all i knew is i didn't have periods and i never got pregnant.
the first question everyone asks when you get married is "when are you going to have a baby?" i find that a very personal question. not everyone realizes that for some it isn't as easy as it sounds. what if we didn't want kids? what if you can't have kids? what if it's hard to get there? it is really none of any one's business when or if you are going to have children after you get married. anyway, it was hard to answer when i was asked everyday! i finally came up with the answer that i still use to this day. "when it's meant to be it will happen!"
getting married so young has many ups and downs. but i fully believe this journey to have a family of our own has brought us closer and made us stronger. i always felt like i was all alone in this until i opened up. our friends with children didn't understand so i finally quit talking about it with them. but in opening up, i found a whole new group of friends that know what i am going through and how difficult this is. two ladies in particular have been there for me and i will be there for them no matter what.
so this brings us to today. we started our third round of fertility meds Tuesday, may 4, 2010. last month was the first time they did what they were supposed to and i ovulated! then AF came for a visit for the first time on her own in five years! it was bittersweet...as badly as i wanted to be pregnant, i knew that my body still knows how to function on its own. it has been crazy these past few months. (we started all of this religiously in January.) Dr. says we can do the meds on this level for 4 cycles. hopefully it wont take that long!!! all i can do is leave it in the hands of God now. He knows what is best for me and when.
in going through all of this, it is really hard for me to hear of people "accidentally" getting pregnant. there are many SIMPLE steps to take to prevent this. if only it was as easy to not prevent it! it has been really hard to get excited for some people knowing they weren't ready when it happened. this only makes me realize that when our time comes, our baby will be very much planned, wanted and loved that much more! there will be no mistake about this! i am not a planning type of person so this has taught me tons of patience! its all about planning and waiting...and waiting...and more waiting...
i have a good feeling about this cycle and i don't know what the feeling means, but we will find out soon enough! in the mean time i will continue to hold my head up high and feel like a pin cushion! oh the joys of the wonderful journey of infertility! in a way it has truly been a blessing allowing me to spend the first four years as a married woman with my husband. teaching us patience, love, heartache, and most of all strengthening our relationship. Jesse is very supportive and has sat up with me many nights when I'm in pain or just needing someone there.
between Jesse, my friends (a, b, and m, you know who you are), i have the best anyone could ask for. thank you is not enough! and i love you all very much!
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