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today i got a phone call from my dad telling me one of my union brothers had passed away in an atv accident over the weekend. he was 26. there has been a lot of dealing with death here lately and it got me thinking about life. let me be honest, i am scared to death to die, but i realize that it could happen anytime. i realize when my number is up there is no trading numbers and it is my time. that doesn't make it any easier. working in the profession i work in i also realize death is just a part of life. they tell you first thing in training to not get attached. however, if you don't get attached you do not have a heart and are completely unable to do you job. i love what i do but lately it is really getting to me. i need a change. death is so much more difficult to deal with for me since going down this road of infertility.
i do not know why it is harder for me considering i have been doing this for 5 years now but in the past week we have lost 3 residents and there has been personal losses as well. i realize that we are there to keep them comfortable in their last days, weeks, or even years of life but it has hit home. been very very emotional lately i guess.
yesterday being mother's day, i had to work in the morning, then came home and cleaned house then off to my mom's. i was so upset when i left work over everything i lost it when i got home. i want to be a better person, i want to be a better wife, friend, daughter, granddaughter and worker. so i make this declaration today to be that better person. i will have more patience, i will love better, listen more, just be better.
i got a message from my aunt yesterday and it said "I just wanted to tell you Happy Mother's Day! Because I know when it happens for you, you will be the best mother ever! Your child will be so lucky I've seen how great you two have been with my son and I know you'll be overflowing with love for your own. God answers prayers in his own time so keep the faith. Just know I am thinking about you today and I love you to pieces! Hope you have a great day!" it was completely random and unexpected! i got it as soon as i woke up for work and it made me cry. heck, someone sneezing makes me cry but this really hit me hard in the heart. everyday i realize how much i am loved and supported. so what all the tears are from is beyond me.
yesterday being mother's day was bittersweet. we are now in the middle of round 3 of treatment and all we can do is wait...and wait...and wait. if it doesn't happen this cycle, we will do it again and again and again until we reach our goal. it will happen in time and as we wait we will continue to grow together.
i have also been thinking about walking in the afternoons after i get off work. it is such a great stress reliever and makes me in a better mood. i am not going to take my bad moods out on anyone anymore. as long as i get the help i need and the support i know i have everything will be just fine and no one can bring me down.
this has been nothing but a rambling on but it sure does feel good to get it off my chest. i love each and everyone of you! thank you for not telling me to shut up and get off my soap box! sometimes we all need to get on the soap box and ramble.

lyndsey